A MEETING OF THE MAPLE HEIGHTS CATHOLIC CLUB
Friday December 7, 2096
Fr. Bailey: And now, I am afraid we will have to take up the issue
of George Simpson's current employment. According to _Imago Dei_,
the National Mammaloid Regulatory Department's current policies
regarding termination of mammaloids for trivial misdemeanors -
George: Look, I can't terminate a mammaloid until a critter court
says so. The owner's property rights are still in effect, at least
until the new administration gets into office.
Fr. Bailey: What about the rights of the mammaloid?
George: Animals don't have rights! And mammaloids ain't even animals!
Fr. Bailey: Our faith teaches -
George: Bullshit! Until this week our faith said man cannot create
a soul, then the pope decides to give a bunch of toons souls!
Fr. Bailey: Rome has spoken, the case is decided.
Andrew: Maybe we could petition Rome to overturn _Imago Dei_?
Fr. Bailey: You can't overturn an Ex Cathedra -
Andrew: I was taught in St. Wenceslaus, this very school, that toons
are just organic machines. So John Paul V says that they're human.
That's not Infallibility, that's Changeability!
Howard: The Church never *officially* taught -
George: So I gotta say a toon is a human!?
Fr. Bailey: In the eyes of God, a mammaloid is as infinitely valuable
as any human.
George: Then God better get a pair of glasses!
Fr. Bailey: Mr. Simpson!
Andrew: I don't care what you say, Jesus did not die on the Cross
for no stinking skunk!
Fr. Bailey: Please! I find this no easier than -
George: Crap! You aren't being asked to quit your job to stay
in the Church!
Fr. Bailey: You cannot live in habitual sin -
George: Last week my job was fine! Now I'm excommunicated?
You never said *anything* against the Department for 12 years.
You even complimented me on how humanely I terminate the toons.
Then BANG and I'm out of the Club and the Church?
Fr. Bailey: You must be a practical Catholic to be a member -
Andrew: Can't we grandfather George? He got his job before -
Fr. Bailey: Look, you can't publicly commit a sin that entails
automatic excommunication -
George: What about the Signman? Every day he was out there in front
of the Federal Building downtown, with his sign comparing the NMRD
to the SS, until that kook blew his brains out for offering
aid and comfort to demons. I don't agree with the Fundamentalists
about toons being demons, but that guy was asking for it.
And *he* was an excommunicated Catholic.
Fr. Bailey: Bishop Hanson was rather conservative. We should be
sympathetic to him...he was on an Advent retreat when he heard
about _Imago Dei_ and died of a heart attack before he could
be taken to a hospital. And his excommunication of Kastelic
is likely to be overturned -
Andrew: You can't un-excommunicate someone after they're dead!
Howard: It happened to Saint Joan of Arc.
Andrew: You saying Kastelic is a Saint?
Howard: He did die a martyr...
George: Next you'll be saying a toon can be a Saint!
Howard: Three of the Watermelon Kids were raised Catholic. Two of them
refused to cooperate in their training as sex toys. They were
the first ones killed because of that. They died rather than
sin, and that at a time much of the Hierarchy was teaching
that they had no hope of Heaven.
Andrew: How many other toons have joined the Church?
Howard: We haven't been very good witnesses.
Fr. Bailey: OK, George, are you going to stop killing mammaloids?
George: THAT'S MY JOB!
Fr. Bailey: Which is against Christian morality.
George: My job is perfectly legal -
Fr. Bailey: So was abortion until a few years ago. But you couldn't
be an abortionist and a Catholic at the same time.
Howard: George, your job will vanish in a couple years anyway. Most
governors and congressmen are in favor of the new Administration's
policy. The two liberal justices on the Supreme Court will have
their terms expire next month, and you know what kind of
replacements they will have. The 31st Amendment will be the law
of the land by spring. The mammaloids are doomed to extinction.
Why not get into some other government job now?
George: I can't change this job now. If I look soft on toons, I'll
just find myself out of work...I'll be fired. I'll starve.
Howard: You won't starve. There's other work, and even the new
President can't abolish the dole without having scores of
millions of people starving...nanotek put half the country
out of work even with 20 hour work weeks...
George: I can't learn a new job overnight at my age. And I will
not go on the dole! I have my pride!
Fr Bailey: But you will take blood money?
George: Who's gonna be next? Howard, what will you say when the Pope
announces that virtual reality is a mortal sin? Will you close
your VR store?
Howard: That's ridiculous -
George: No - it - ain't! I've been a Catholic all my life, giving
ten percent of my "blood money" to *your* Church, Father, and
one morning I wake up and the Pope is saying a toon can go to
Heaven and *I'll* go to Hell for killing it! If a toon can go
to Heaven, then I'd rather be in Hell!
Fr. Bailey: Then I'm very much afraid that you'll get your wish.
Andrew: I hope you go there, Father!
Fr. Bailey: That is enough! The membership of the Maple Heights
Catholic Club will have to decide whether to adhere to
_Imago Dei_ or leave the club! Which will it be?
Historical note: Of the 96 members of the Maple Heights Catholic Club,
DRIZZLE DRAZZLE DRUZZLE DROME
TIME FOR THIS ONE TO COME HOME