Around 1960, my father bought a comedy LP record. 
The cover was a cartoon by Virgil "VIP" Partch, of a
conductor tapping his wand on the sheet music, which was
dropping every note onto the floor. The singing quartet
before him each had a foot in his mouth...literally.
The singers were the Characters:
    
   ...While the group is a partnership of the four members,
   Carmen Baccari is the leader. Carmen is the sane, sober
   member of the quartet, or perhaps he just seems sane and
   sober in comparison to the other three members...His brother
   Fred, known to all as "Champ", is an ex-fighter who quit
   the fight game before he lost his marbles, or so he says.
   It would be hard to convince the audience of this fact.
   Charles Hunt has flaming red hair so comes by his nickname
   "Blackie" quite naturally. Blackie is the master of 
   funny faces. Johnny Ricco, the fourth member, is young,
   handsome and a really fine legitimate singer. Jack Kemp
   accompanies the group on the drums.

   The song writers were Dick Sherman and Milt Larsen, and the
album was titled "Smash Flops". You can guess why with these
lyric excerpts:

CONGRATULATIONS, TOM DEWEY

Congratulations, Tom Dewey
You won by a landslide today
Through thick and through thin
We knew you would win 
Cause who'd ever vote to let Truman stay in
Congratulations, Tom Dewey
Your Republican dreams have come true
Here's a victory roar
For president number thirty-four
The White House is waiting for you

I WISH I WAS IN CHICAGO (ON ST. VALENTINE'S DAY)

How I wish I was in Chicago
On good old St. Valentine's Day
I remember the place
Where the boys used to meet
That dingy garage on North Clark Street
How I wish I was in Chicago
Rotting here in this cell is a crime
I'd give all that I own
To be fighting Capone
With Bugs and that old gang of mine
As I gaze at the walls of me Leavenworth cell
My thoughts reflect back to that gang I knew so well
I knew them all, boy
Again I can just  boys at the speak
We would shoot up the joint and stay drunk for a week
There was Shorty Louie and Dutch McNut
They'd be happy to kick out your teet for a buck
And as I reminisce I can still see the brick wall
Where we used a grenade for a game of handball
There was holdups and hijacks and a rubout or two
But we all stuck together and sold that home brew...

WE'RE DEPENDING ON YOU GENERAL CUSTER

We're depending on you
To wipe put the Sioux
We know you'll come through, General Custer
That whole savage race
Will retreat in disgrace
You'll put them in their place, General Custer
Ride out to the Little Big Horn
Surround that Indian band
And history will recall this day
As Sitting Bull's Last Stand
Soon you'll taste victory's fruits
Sound the drums and the flutes
Wish we were in your boots, General Custer

WHEN THE HINDENBURG LANDS TODAY

There'll be a hot, hot time in Lakehurst, New Jersey
When the Hindenburg lands today
All the band is gonna play
And we'll all hip hip hurray
When the Hindenburg lands today
All the way from Germany you've flown to us
And we know that your motto is "New Jersey or bust!"

THE CONFEDERATE VICTORY SONG

Cindy Lee don't bring your hanky
I just shot me a Yankee
Tell the slaves to keep a-working in the fields
Soon Abe Lincoln will surrender
And the Rebel Yell we'll render
As we set the Union Army on its heels
Jefferson Davis don't you worry
We'll be winning in a hurry
You'll be sitting in the White House by and by
Cindy Lee don't bring your hanky
Cause I just shot me a Yankee
And the South is gonna win so don't you cry

THERE'LL ALWAYS BE FOURTY-EIGHT STATES IN THE U.S.A.

Just as long as there's fish in the ocean
And as long as there's birds in the blue
There'll be fourty-eight states in the U.S.A. for me and you
There are fourty-eight stars on our banner
And fourty-eight governors too
And there are fourty-eight states in the U.S.A. for me and you
It's an American tradition
To keep things the way they are
So as long as there's Dodgers in Brooklyn
We'll never add a new star

WHEN AMELIA EARHART FLIES HOME

Get your ticker tape ready
And tear up your confetti
Cause there's gonna be a big parade
Oh what a celebration
There'll be throughout the nation
When her tedious journey is made
She'll be the first girl to do it
To fly around the world
So don't forget who flew it 
Let the bunting unfurl
When Amelia Earhart circles the globe
And comes flying home again

LITTLE ROCK, THAT ALL-AMERICAN TOWN

There's a town in this great nation
That stands for liberty
It deserves a big ovation
For its true democracy
Every citizen is equal
They're brothers side by side
And those happy, smiling people
Are this country's joy and pride
They've got great big hearts in Little Rock
That All-American town
And they're very smart in Little Rock
Their schools will never shut down
Shoulder to shoulder the citizens stand
Respecting the laws of our wonderful land

GOOD JOB, WELL DONE, NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN

Good job, well done, Neville Chamberlain
Diplomacy wins again
Grand show, we know, Neville Chamberlain
Their treachery was all in vain
You met with Mr. Hitler
And all those Nazi chaps
And 'though you didn't appease them, to be sure
You brought us home a treaty, and a Non-Aggression Pact
That jolly well brings us peace that will endure
And a good job, well done, Neville Chamberlain
We're confident our future's looking fine
Grand show, we know, Neville Chamberlain
Cause you brought us peace in our time

SLEEPY CAPE CANAVERAL MOON

Far away from the city's noise
On the peaceful Florida sand
I found paradise 
Right before my eyes
In a tropic wonderland
I'll spend my time 
In this place sublime
As the breeze sings a dreamy tune
And the peaceful dove
Sings its song of love
To the sleepy Cape Canaveral moon

COLUMBUS, YOU BIG BAG OF STEAM

Christopher Columbus, you big-a bag-a steam
Christopher Columbus, give up-a you crazy scheme
Christopher Columbus, you bring-a yourself disgrace
You won't be such a smarty when you falling into space!
Papa, I know, you tell your son
He's-a crazy in the head
He's-a nuts, ain't got-a no sense
All-a the time, look-a the stars
Be a butcher boy instead
Cut-a the meat-a
Make-a the money
What-a you mean
You see the Queen
She-a call you "crazy fool"
Stay home-a with your Momma
And eat-a your pastapazool!

BON VOYAGE TITANIC

Bon voyage to you new Titanic
You're the greatest ship on the sea
Bon voyage to you new Titanic
Say hello to the Statue of Liberty
To wish you a safe crossing is unthinkable
We know with what you're costing you're unsinkable!
So bon voyage to you new Titanic
You're the greatest ship on the blue
Bon voyage to you new Titanic
I'm so lucky to be sailing with you!

   Also on the back was some background on each song
(for example, the St. Valentine writer "...was happy
(after his escape), in having spent his last moments
with his friends." but the Columbus song writer was
fired and "In a fit of despondency he went to the edge
of the world and jumped to his death.") and an
advertisement for another album by Sherman and Larsen:

TWELVE DELIGHTFUL WAYS TO ROAST A SACRED COW

- Watch World War Three on Pay T-V
- Fill Out The Policies, Mother
- The Annual Get-Together (of the KKK and the NAACP)
- I Saw Adolph Today
- That Big Sporting House in the Sky
- It's Fun to Be Hazed
- The Richer They Are (The Slower I Cure Them)
- Send the Girls Over There
- Leave The Slums Alone
- Fifty Million Commies Can't Be Wrong
- Oh What We Grow (In Old Mexico)
- Bring Back Those Guillotine Days

   I really liked playing this album, and I'm glad I could
preserve some of its humor on the web...I mailed PIP Records,
but the letter came back, so I guess they are out of business.
If anyone has lyrics to the 12 delightful ways, I would be
glad to hear from you.

Ixlnlaw@aol.com has emailed me some lyrics to 
Watch World War Three on Pay T-V, this is what
it is remembered as:

Watch WW III on pay TV,
Television can be such a thrill.
Watching the boys over there 
Getting blown through the air,
Charging 'cross your TV screen,
Getting blown to smitherines.
Its worth every penny 
To tune in and see,
Who wins the Emmy 
At the ruins of the academy.
Watch WW III on pay TV
Before your television gets blown away.

THANKS!

And now, someone has emailed me this:

I was just singing "Watch Pay WWIII on Pay TV" to my brother,
and we were reminicing about the two albums "Smash Flops"
and "Twelve Ways to Roast a Sacred Cow" 
that my father had back in the early 60's.
My brother did a "Google" search, 
and lo and behold, your site pops up.  
Thanks for making my day...
and here are the some lyrics for you (from memory):
 
 
The Annual Get-Together (off the KKK and the NAACP)
 
Once a year they have a celebration,
down below the Mason-Dixon line.
All the friendly neighbors join the jubilee,
sharing in that southern hospitality.
Soon they're harmonizing to a Dixie band,
Dancin' and romancin', hand in hand.
At the annual get-together of the KKK,
and the NAACP.
 
regarz,
Name withheld by request.
 
p.s.  In "Watch WWIII on Pay TV", after the line 
"Getting blown to smitherines"  
is the line:  
 
"Murrow's there to do his part,
Waiting for the war to start"
 
(a reference to Edward R. Murrow)
 
and it ends:
 
"Before your television MELTS away" (not "gets blown away")

THANKS AGAIN!

And here is the latest:
   Greetings, 

   I found your website a little while ago, after executing a search ( yes, really ) via 
Google for Twelve Delightful Ways to Roast a Sacred Cow.
I grew up with this album, and memorized most of the songs before I was in my early teens.
 
   My father was a barbershopper for many years, and even co-founded the local chapter of SPEBSQSA . 
I'm not sure where he acquired the album, but as soon as it was played for me 
( I was ten or eleven at the time ), I immediately insisted on an early inheritance ... 

   The vocal quartet is listen on the album sleeve as " The Crown City Four ". 
There was also a soprano on two tracks, whose name I have forgotten. 
I have no further info on the artists beyond what you've already posted.

   I thought I might send you some more lyrics, since what you've posted so far 
( thank you! ) is not entirely complete. 

   Please note: Some of these lyrics may be offensive to many of your viewers - 
they are accurate, to the best of my recollection, and I've made no attempt to sanitize or 
edit in any way. They represent what might be called the " WASP " comic sensibilities of their time.
With that caveat, here's what I can remember, not having heard the record for many years now.

   Watch World War III ( on pay-TV ) 

   WATCH WORLD WAR THREE ON PAY-TV, 
   TELEVISION CAN BE SUCH A THRILL! 

   SITTING HOME IN YOUR CHAIR, 
   WATCH THE BOYS OVER THERE 
   CHARGING ACROSS YOUR TV-SCREEN, 
   GETTING BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS! 

   WATCH WORLD WAR THREE ON PAY-TV 
   IF YOU WANNA KEEP THE KIDS AT HOME ... 

   THEY'LL BE GLUED TO THEIR SETS 
   WATCHING ROCKETS AND JETS, 
   BLOWN UP SCHOOLS AND FACTORIES, 
   PUTTING AN END TO THE BIRDS AND BEES. 
  
  ( CHORUS ) 

   IT'S WORTH EVERY PENNY TO TUNE IN AND SEE 
   WHO WINS THE EMMY AT THE RUINS OF THE ACADEMY. 

   WATCH WORLD WAR THREE ON PAY-TV 
   BEFORE YOUR TELEVISION MELTS AWAY! 

  ( SPOKEN ) 

   THINK OF THE CLOSE-UPS ON THE SCREEN, 
   SPOT A FACE YOU KNOW! 

   ISN'T THIS BETTER THAN BISHOP SHEEN, 
   BETTER THAN THE LATE-LATE SHOW? 

   WATCHING THE BOYS FROM YOUR HOMETOWN 
   FIGHTING ... WHOEVER THEY ARE! 

   WATCHING THE CITIES FALLING DOWN- 
   IT'S GREATER THAN JACK PAAR! 

  ( SUNG ) 

   THEY'RE OUT SETTING UP THE CAMERAS NOW ... 

   THOUGH THEY DON'T KNOW JUST WHERE, 
   STILL, THEY'VE GOT TO PREPARE. 

   MURROW'S THERE TO DO HIS PART, 
   WAITING FOR THE WAR TO START ... 

   SEE THE HYDROGEN BOMBS EXPLODE! 

   AS THOSE MUSHROOMS APPEAR, 
   YOU'LL BE SIPPING YOUR BEER, 

   ZOOMING IN WITH ( UNDECIPHERABLE ) LENS, 
   WATCHING WHILE THE WHOLE WORLD ENDS. 

  ( CHORUS ) 

   IT'S WORTH EVERY PENNY TO TUNE IN AND SEE 
   WHO WINS THE EMMY AT THE RUINS OF THE ACADEMY. 

   WATCH WORLD WAR THREE ON PAY-TV 
   BEFORE YOUR TELEVISION MELTS AWAY, 
   BEFORE YOUR TELEVISION MELTS AWAY. 

   --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

   Fill Out the Policies, Mother 

   IT'S JUST A FORMALITY, MOTHER, 
   SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE. 

   FILL OUT THE POLICIES, MOTHER, 
   TWENTY-FIVE CENTS AT A TIME. 

   LAST YEAR DADDY DIED 
   OF A STRANGE MALADY, 

   NOW SISTER IS GONE, 
   THERE'S JUST YOU AND ME ... 

   SO FILL OUT THE POLICIES, MOTHER, 
   INSURANCE SHOULD NOT BE IGNORED. 

   YOU'VE SIGNED IT AND SO, 
   THERE'S ONE MORE TO GO, 

   HERE'S YOUR BOX-LUNCH, NOW HURRY ABOARD. 

   JUST ONE MORE FORMALITY, MOTHER, 
   HERE'S YOUR UNSIGNED WILL. 

  ( SPOKEN ) 
  
   STRANGE, HOW I FOUND THE THING WITH ME, 
   DOES YOUR FOUNTAIN-PEN NEED A REFILL? 

  ( SUNG ) 

   AND, FINALLY NOW, HERE'S YOUR PROPERTY DEED. 
   YOUR POWER-OF-ATTORNEY IS ALL THAT I NEED. 

   SO, FILL OUT THE PAPERS, DEAR MOTHER, 
   AND YOU WILL REST EASY TONIGHT, 

   KNOWING IF YOU SHOULD DIE, 
   I'LL BE ONE WEALTHY GUY! 

   HERE'S YOUR BOX-LUNCH, NOW GET ON THAT FLIGHT! 

   ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

   The Annual Get-together of the KKK and the NAACP ( If memory serves, this is actually the subtitle. I can't recall the actual title - my apologies )

   ONCE A YEAR THEY HAVE A CELEBRATION 
   DOWN BELOW THE MASON-DIXON LINE. 

   EVERYONE'S A-COMIN' TO THE JUBILEE, 
   SHARIN' IN THAT SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY. 

   SOON THEY'RE HARMONIZIN' TO A DIXIE BAND, 
   DANCIN' AND ROMANCIN', HAND IN HAND, 

 ( CHORUS ) 

   AT THE ANNUAL GET-TOGETHER OF THE KKK, AND THE NAACP. 

  ( VERSE ) 

   BANJOS ARE A-SINGIN' ALL AROUND YOU, 
   STEPHEN FOSTER'S SONGS ARE RINGIN' CLEAR, 

   THE SCENT OF OLEANDER IS A-FLOATIN' IN THE BREEZE, 
   THE BLUEBIRDS AND THE BLACKBIRDS ARE NESTIN' IN THE TREES. 

   THIS FRIENDLY LITTLE PARTY IS RESTRICTED TOO, 
   YOU'LL NEVER SEE A CATHOLIC, JAP OR JEW, 

  ( CHORUS ) 

   AT THE ANNUAL GET-TOGETHER OF THE KKK, AND THE NAACP. 
  
   ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

   That Big Sportin' House in the Sky ( Partial lyrics ) 

   IF YOU'VE LIVED A LIFE OF SIN, 
   PINCHIN' WOMEN, DRINKIN' GIN, 
   AND YOU WEAR A WICKED GRIN UPON YOUR FACE, 

   IF YOU'VE LED THE EVIL LIFE, 
   IF YOU'VE LOVED THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE, 
   YOU'LL REGRET IT WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HUMAN RACE. 

  ( CHORUS ) 

   BY AND BY, ME-OH-MY, 
   YOU'LL BE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN 
   AND THEN YOU'LL CRY. 

   THERE'LL BE PLENTY O' GALS WORTH KNOWIN' 
   BUT NO OATS WILL YOU BE SOWIN' 
   IN THAT BIG SPORTIN' HOUSE IN THE SKY. 

   IF YOU'RE LECHEROUS AND CRUDE 
   AND TO OLD FOLKS YOU ARE RUDE, 
   AND YOU KICK THE LITTLE KIDDIES AT THEIR PLAY, 

   IF YOU REALLY GET YOUR JOYS 
   SELLING DIRTY BOOKS TO BOYS 
   THEN YOU'RE GONNA HATE YOURSELF ON JUDGEMENT DAY. 

   BY AND BY ... ETC. 

  ( SPOKEN FERVENTLY ) 

   NOW IF YOU'VE CHEATED AND YOU STOLE, 
   AND CORRUPTION IS YOUR GOAL, 
   AND YOU'VE DIRTIED UP YOUR SOUL WITH BOOZE AND VICE, 

   IF YOU'RE WARPED, AND DON'T CARE WHO 
   DOES WHAT WITH WHOM TO YOU, 
   THEN,  "REPENT, MY FRIEND, REPENT", IS MY ADVICE. 

   BY AND BY ... ETC. 

   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

   Bring Back Those Guillotine Days ( Partial lyrics ) 

   THERE'S AN OLD INSTITUTION 
   FROM THE FRENCH REVOLUTION 
   THAT WE REALLY SHOULD REPEAT. 

   IT WAS GAY, IT WAS CHIC, 
   IT WAS TRES MAGNIFIQUE, 
   BUT THEY SAY THAT IT'S OBSOLETE. 

  ( CHORUS ) 

   BRING BACK, 
   BRING BACK, 
   BRING BACK THOSE CHARMING FRENCH WAYS. 

   WHAT A FINE WAY TO GO, 
   WHAT A WONDERFUL SHOW, 
   BRING BACK THOSE GUILLOTINE DAYS. 

   --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

   I'm running short on time - hope this is helpful to you. 

   KVC 

   Overland Park, KS 

   
THANKS ONCE MORE!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just received this email from Doug Reynolds:


Hi,
It looks like it has been a while since you updated your Smash Flops page but I wanted to 
pass something along. The album you have listed as TWELVE DELIGHTFUL WAYS TO ROAST A SACRED COW 
was released as SING A SONG OF SICKNESS ( A Pocketful of Wry), sung by the Crown City Four from 
Pasadena, CA where I grew up. I still have the original LP my Dad bought in the early 60's. 
I was born in 1955 and grew up singing those songs in my repatoire when I was trying to be a 
rock start. With songs like those it is a wonder that I didn't make it.


I recently acquired clean mp3's of the album and I will be posting them on a website shortly for 
the listening pleasure of the demented. I will let you know as soon as I do. 
(I think I know all the lyrics by heart... which my wife does not necessarily think is one of my 
strong points).








Doug Reynolds
doug@drdesign.net

  
  
Hi there,
The songs are finally up at:

http://www.carsontahoemusic.com

click on "just for fun"


Thanks,
Doug

 

   
And speaking of old records I had one of "My Favorite Martian"
which had lyrics to the theme song. Here's what I remember:

HE'S A MAN FROM MARS
ON EARTH TO TAKE A LOOK
HE CAN READ YOUR MIND
JUST LIKE AN OPEN BOOK - YES!
HE'S A MAN FROM MARS
AND HE'S EXTREMELY CLEVER
BRILLIANT AND KIND
IN EVERY ENDEAVOR - FOR INSTANCE
"ANY DOG CAN HEAR ME
ON MARS OR HERE
AND DON'T GET TOO NEAR ME
OR I'LL MAKE YOU DISAPPEAR!"
   

DRIZZLE DRAZZLE DRUZZLE DROME
TIME FOR THIS ONE TO COME HOME